feelings of a ……(I don’t know, u decide)

Lets start this post with a good news. My job hunt seems to be nearing its destination. In the last few weeks I got the results of some of the exams I have been appearing for and quite luckily, I have managed to clear a few of them. I don’t know if I will be able to clear the next levels, but for now I am very happy. Almost super-excited you can say. Friends and relatives have multiplied my joy with their congratulations and good wishes. A hearty thanx to all of them 🙂

Some of you might be knowing one of my ambitions was to be a software engineer, though it is not my chosen career path. It is more of a hobby, or you might say passion like my guitar. My dad got a sniff of that. So he asked me if I wanted to join any computer course. I agreed at once and I am currently learning core and advanced Java at NIIT, Durgapur. Nowadays I have classes everyday in the evening. And when one is passionate about something, one hardly misses a chance of meeting ;). As usual our dear Anand Sir was instructing us to write a program. We were in the machine room, coz today we had our practical class. All of a sudden a awesomely handsome guy walks in with some other pretty girls and says “Sir, we are celebrating teacher’s day today. Please come with us”. We were already behind schedule, so sir didn’t wanna leave us for a second. But the guy didn’t budge, he tried pleading with him to persuade him. The girls joined in with him. Ultimately some other teachers intervened and our sir had to go. I felt something which reminded me of my school days and college years. Although my college years are just 1 n 1/2 years behind me, but this was something I hadn’t felt in a long time.

In every class I have been in, there were always some charismatic, handsome, strong etc guys. They always had a different sort of air about them. Literally we were in the same class, but they always belonged to some different higher class. They were like the celebrities. Never did anyone oppose or neglect them. Never did anyone pretend to be indifferent to their words and feelings. On the contrary their each and every emotion change was attended to by at least 3-4 other guys/girls. They often joined each other and picked on the underdogs. They were the teachers’ pets. Each and every event, may it be cultural/sports whatever, they were always the natural leaders. Like everybody else they too did silly mistakes, but nobody ever laughed at them for those. They always had this air of a know-all about them, and always looked down upon ignorance of useless baseless things (like name of the porn-star with the hugest booty).  Coz my confidence was always crushed under the attitude of these handsome bullies, I remained an introvert throughout school. Those affected me badly. Also, I hated them 😡

By now you might say that I was just jealous of those celebrity type guys/girls. Yeah I admit that. Coz I was never near to being handsome or charismatic or a highly talented geek, I felt jealous of them. I never liked the treatment the my world gave me. But being a staunch believer of the law of karma, now I know I got the treatment which I deserved. Mostly those are harmless far faded memories of the past now. But occasional chances like these, they do return to haunt me and when they do, I feel the same way I did all those years ago. I don’t know what you are thinking of me, but I would very much like to get rid of these childhood impressions off my mind. Got any ideas?

Ever feel like you aren’t growing up?

I do, quite often!

(Before I proceed any further I wanna let u all know that I am the worst at expressing my feelings in words and this topic is about a deeeeep feeling. So there is a high probability that this post will be a disaster, proceed at your own risk 😉 )

In school, years of my life were slow, verrry slow. This was because I didn’t enjoy going to school. I was reserved and introvert. I used to talk a lot with myself and very little with others. Naturally there were pent up emotions which needed periodic release, and I always ended up trusting the wrong guy with those. Invariably the wrong guy used to go public with them and I was left with ears red. Those were embarrassing. I was the underdog, peers picked on me all the time and I hated school. This hate made each day at school a torture, and time was a lot slower than I wanted it to be. But I could feel myself growing! I am not talking about being taller. I could feel myself growing in my mind. My behavior, way of talking, becoming choosy with whatever I shared with whoever etc these were all changing through the years. By my secondary school exam, I was no longer the kid who used to giggle all the time like when he first stepped into school life. This is absolutely normal you would say. You might also add “what the hell does guy want? Does he want to stay little all his life“. Nope, this guy is as sane is any other . It is just that, then I could feel this change. I said “I could“, because now I can’t! :O Seriously!

School life was slow and I could feel myself growing. But as I finished school and came into college, life picked up a hell of a pace! 4 whole years. They passed by as quick as 4 weeks. Since then I haven’t felt myself growing anymore. Let me explain.. It is said that as we grow older, we gain maturity, wisdom, stuff like that. My experience of watching people says while growing older these qualities are supposed to make us egoistic and grouchy (at the least). Being grown up means if someone calls you a bad name, you can’t let it go easy and you have to fight for your honor.You aren’t supposed to take things lightly anymore, unless absolutely necessary. But I can’t feel any of these. Among my peers, I am the only exception who still goes about his business with the carefree air of a guy in his 18th year (by my DOB I am 22+ ).  Most of them having girlfriends and boyfriends, have already started talking and behaving like family guardians. I hate being so serious all the time. Sometimes I find it hard to relate to them.

You know, this isn’t about feeling myself growing, it is more about being more mature each day, to be a guy of my age. I do agree that there are situations where one has to be serious and a bit grouchy, other than that is it really necessary to carry that air everywhere? Or am I missing the point of growing up?

Thinking…

P.S. Phew! this wasn’t a disaster like I had expected 😉