Like most other persons I have a few hard beliefs. Some are ingrained by seeing and being among people like my religious identity, some formed by my keen sense of observation and analysis. I would not say keen coz that means something very good and sharp sort of thing where you have an analytical output of every situation. Just a little more than others I feel. Now that I am writing this I found the word, the correct adjective. Deep! I think bit deeper than most. I tend to see, look and observe people and situations including myself and amuse myself with my own musings…. Wow! I never thought of this before. I am my own muse! Perhaps this is the reason I don’t feel lonely ever.
At office I see everyone asking others if they wanna go to lunch together, take coffee breaks together and all that. They seem to feel awkward if they have to sit by themselves and have lunch. me? I see the watch, consult my stomach and I am off to cafeteria. Anyone wants to come with me, great! No one is coming even better! Don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate people. I just like to observe and form strange opinions and write little essays in my head about them. I tend to stay alone away from a group without ever feeling even remotely lonely only because my head is brimming with my own musings. There isn’t space for anything else.
So going back to the point of this post I had a thought I wanted to put out to the world for feedback and discussion. I usually have so many unformed semi formed thoughts in my head at the same time most of the thoughts vanish ever before I can form complete sense or sentence from it. It is like there is a cloud of words, feelings, emotions, opinions, ideas sparks and in all of that there is thunder and rain going on at the same time. It is a cloudy thunderstorm inside my head so it becomes hard to put out all my feelings and thoughts into something some else will understand. That came out wrong, coz most of the time I myself mislead myself trying to follow a single train of thought then ending up worlds apart from it in a minute. Then I cant find my way back or forget that I started something somewhere. I start projects and never finish them as I tend to give them up midway. Either I lose the enthusiasm or something bigger catches my attention span and time. hm-mm.. I do sound like a baby or maybe a child who definitely had ADHD. I don’t know for sure if it is ADHD but I like to think I have something. At least I would be able to tell people in a word why I am the way I am maybe..sort of. Whatever, Lets get back to the point. One of the rarely formed train of thoughts and finally an idea which started this post was that
There is no if else in fate. It is just a linear script which is what you get
-Me
Lately I have been grappling with a lot of things. Not exactly the homeless or hungry crisis, but rather midlife crisis I like hear so much about on American sit-coms and culture. There are a lot of things where things aren’t going the way I would expect them to. Things arent going the way I want them to. As religious Indian I have grown up seeing everyone around me do “Mannat” to our deities for something. It is supposed to work like you make a deal with your chosen deity about something. Then if it happens you pay your respects in some form of sacrifice or elaborate worship to appease the deity. It is considered bad luck if such a promise made is not kept. I tend to believe in this deal making with a my beloved deity when I am in deep trouble but never done a deal like this yet. Two reasons:
- I might forget about it and the deal will stay unfulfilled bringing me more bad vibes from the universe
- I think the omnipresent collective consciousness which we all worship in different forms does not care about what you or I do.
People tend to give more importance to themselves and their work when they accomplish something. That is very much valid from their perspective that they did so they got. But if you see from a bit far and backwards in time you will be able to see that all of that, their existence in some place doing some certain thing at a certain time on the timeline of the universe and all that; all of that is the effect of some cause that has happened before. Causality does drive the whole universe starting from the subatomic quantum particles to the celestial galaxy cluster filaments. My point is that we humans believe we do things out of our free will, but do we really? Half of our decision are base done our mood which is totally affected by out intestinal environment which in turn depends on what food you had the time preceding to that which comes from something else and so on. So do we have free will actually or is it just an illusion to keep ourselves in the illusion of being free independent separate beings? I don’t know, you decide. But my feelings are more towards the no free will side. So if we have no free will and our decisions and situations are just result of chained causality then what is the point of fighting fate? Fate is what brought us here right here right now, me writing this post, you reading these words. Maybe this will trigger some more chained causality leading to something else like the butterfly chaos theory. But all of it is meticulously pre-planned. We are just the agents of execution. We may think a thousand things before a decision but what we are going to decide upon has already been decided. We are just the agents of this execution of grand scheme called the universe….
Santu Online! 